Perfect Fall Days

The last two days have been so so amazing. E and I have spent some great quality time together and got a lot done around the house. I love the moments in which I am reminded of how much I love him and why.

My Sweet God Daughter

Her name is Gracie, and she is in fact full of grace. She was also my mother's God Daughter as well. Tonight I found out she decked out her flip flops in pink and white for cancer awareness day at school last week and dedicated them to my mom. How sweet is that? She is only a freshman in HS but is more thoughtful than one would think she would be at this age. Love her so much.

15

I heard this song today, 15. I've heard it a million times before but today it hit me a little differently. If you could write a letter to 15 year old you, what would you say? Would you tell yourself about that secret stash of M&M's hidden in your underwear drawer? Would you tell yourself not to get that perm your freshman year of college? Would you have told yourself to work harder in college, to have a plan for after? To follow your dreams and not to worry about what others think?
I sometimes wish I would have been able to tell myself these things.

House Projects

We have been saying since we moved in that we needed to rip out the God-awful chainlink dog kennel that is in our side yard. It was rusted, had no gate, and looked like a death trap. We wouldn't of ever used it as Simon would never get put outside like that. Anyways E and my Dad thought it was going to require a lot of work to tear it down, like a grinder and such. However today E discovered that we could just pull and bend the polls and they would snap off clean and then we could just unscrew the chainlink portion. We took down 2 of the four sides today and decided for Simon's and our future children's safety that the two sides that sort of line the wooden fence separating our yard from the neighbors and the front yard needs to stay up.
So we just spent the last two hours working on that. My gosh does it look better. We now have more room for our trash cans and don't have to move around random polls when we are trying to get through back there. I'll post pictures later. For now I'm off to take a shower and cook some yummy dinner!

Lazy Sunday

Today is such a beautiful day. We are enjoying the quit of our beautiful home and planning on just taking it easy. I went to the grocery store early this morning so that I could get back and enjoy time with E. I'm planning on baking cookies at some point and then trying a new recipe for dinner. At the moment a nice nap is sounding pleasant.

Meal Planning

Sunday- Artichokes and Healthified Fettuccine Alfredo
Monday- Skillet Lasgana from Pampered Chef 29 Minutes to Dinner
Tuesday- Cranberry Glazed Chicken
Wednesday- Breakfast for dinner
Thrusday- Leftovers
Friday- Homemade pizza

I'll come back and share how we like the Healthified Fettuccine Alfredo and the Skillet Lasgana as I've not made either of them before.

Let me share with you our new home

As I said in a previous post we closed on our house on March 18th. I have been meaning to post pictures for a while but my camera cord was lost. However about a week ago my sweet husband discovered it in his computer bag and uploaded the photos to my computer for me. So on top of posting pictures of our new home I'll be posting pictures of Simon!

Fig Pizza

So my friend L had the best food at her wedding and I now want fig pizza like every single day for the rest of my life. Good thing my Mother in Law loves figs too as I don't think anyone else in our family will eat it. I plan on making some soon!!!!!!!!! So yummy.

Stuffed Bell Peppers

So since everyone is asking me how I do these and the recipe keeps getting lost on Facebook I'll post it here!

I make my stuffed bell peppers in the crockpot. It makes my life easier and is a fast and easy dinner for nights when I have stuff I need to get done. We are actually having them tomorrow because I need to get the house clean before T and S come and visit for the weekend.

Obviously you'll need a crockpot if you plan to do it that way. Otherwise this dish works just great in a casserole dish in the oven at 350 for about 45 mins to an hour.

4 bell peppers of any color. I generally use a variety of green red and yellow.
Half a pound or so of ground beef or turkey uncooked.
A large can of tomato sauce.
Bread crumbs and brown minute rice to your liking. I like a lot of rice in ours because it makes it heartier without extra meat.
You can add whatever else sounds good. For the ones for tomorrow I added chopped white onion and drained canned corn.

Mix all of your ingredients together. Don't use all of your sauce just about a third to a half of the can you need the rest later. Stuff your peppers and cover the tops with remaining sauce and pour some on the bottom of the dish too.

If you prep the night before cover and place in the fridge. I generally take mine out at lunch and cook on low for 4 to 5 hours or so. If you cook much longer they get a little soft but are still yummy!!!

Enjoy!

oh and the recipe is adapted from my Mom and my grandma!

Recipes I want to try

http://www.melskitchencafe.com/2011/07/skillet-summer-vegetable-lasagna.html

http://www.melskitchencafe.com/2010/05/grilled-island-chicken-2.html

http://www.melskitchencafe.com/2010/04/honey-lime-fruit-salad.html

http://www.melskitchencafe.com/2010/06/mediterranean-pasta-salad.html

Don't Forget to Remember Me

This song came on tonight and brought tears to my eyes. When I went away to college my Mom and Dad packed me up in my little Honda(the rest of the load in the Suburban) and drove me 4 hours to my new temporary home at UCM. We got not even half way there and I was in tears, " I am quitting college, lets go home". My Mom said, sweetie your just scared and will be fine. We got there the next morning and when she dropped me off she said " Okay here's the deal, I'm always here when you need me, always. But I will not be one of those mother's who calls all the time. I won't call you, you call me. Leave me a message and I'll call you back. Call a hundred times a day if you need to. I'm always her Mojo." And you know what, I did call about a hundred times a day, and she always answered. Every single time. She always remembered me. I will always remember her. Love you Momma.

Little Miss Not So Perfect

E and I had a big talk tonight about how I'm constantly walking around with a gray cloud over my head. Waiting for all the bad things in life to come my way. I ended up in tears and sobbing about how I know I live in that bad place because I'm constantly living in a world where I am not perfect enough. I'm afraid that what I am and what I am choosing to do in my life is not enough. That since I am not perfect enough for my self that I am not perfect in anyone's eyes. I don't need to be perfect because my imperfections make me who I am and I am loved because of them. I need to stop letting myself be compared to others. And if I am compared I have to take these comparisons as compliments.

I am so grateful that my husband and my family loves me for me and my imperfections now its just learning to love myself with the imperfections.

Answers and no Answers.

Well we went to the cancer center. We talked to the NP of genetics. We were told that since the BRAC1 and BRAC2 gene mutations are a dominantly inherited gene and that my since my Mom had the regular testing and the extended testing and was 100% negative and that since there is not a new test there is no reason to test me as I'll just be negative too. I understand that and I guess its helpful but I want more and at this point there is no more information, no concrete answers. At this point she suggested just being aware of what is going on with myself and closely followed by my doctors. This isn't what I was wanting to hear. It doesn't make me feel better. She did say that we will just watch and wait and keep our ears open and hopefully we will find a new test to do. Someone for people like me that definitely have a gene component but not the one we have tests for now. So really I left with E feeling like I had wasted her time.

Today is the day

I am getting ready as we speak to get in the car with E and drive to the Cancer Center for genetic testing. I woke up scared, and nervous and wanting to curl up with E and cry. I know that it shouldn't be this complicated, and I shouldn't be this scared but I truly am. E is trying his hardest to be understanding. and I am so grateful that he will be with me today. I can't imagine doing this alone.

Almost a year later

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what transpired a year ago this week and the last several days as well. I've been in an interesting mood of sorts and emotionally though I think I'm fine I keep seeing things that remind me I am really not. Well at least not right now I'm not fine. I keep making silly mistakes and feel like everything I touch comes out wrong. I was talking to my Dad about this last night and he says not to worry that the same thing has been happening to him. Its just a build up of all this emotional energy that we don't know what to do with but we don't want to share it with the world.

So a year ago on June 23rd my sweet sweet Momma decided that she had had enough, that she had given her all and now it was God's turn to decide what needed to happen next. She wanted to go Home and she wanted to stop fighting. I was in my summer Anatomy class during this time and we had been given a break. During break I returned a phone call from my Dad and was told that she ask Dr. A if she was going to get better and when he looked at her bluntly and honestly and said "K, I really don't think so" she said okay well then I'm done. I can not blame her for making that decision that Friday afternoon, because as much as I love her with all my heart and as much as I would have loved to have her around for my children and for me and my brother and our Dad and the rest of those she loved so dearly I know with out a doubt that it would have been forcing her to suffer even more if any one of us had begged her to keep trying, to keep fighting.

I headed home after I got this news, E said to go up and he would come up as soon as he could. As I was driving and getting closer to the hospital I just sobbed, like little girl curled up in her momma's arms sobbing. I knew that it would really be best if I could try and pull it together before I got to the hospital. I called E and he tried to get me to stay calm, but all that did was make me want him here when he couldn't be and make me want my Momma to live even more. I get to the hospital and sit and do my homework by her bedside while she sleeps, we talk a little about silly things, well I talk she listens and then I sing her pieces of a song that has been keeping me together and keeping from feeling like I'm drowning in all that is happening around me. She rubs my back and tells me how much she loves me and E and my Dad and Brother. And I sit there in the chair next to her with my head on her bed while she rubs my back and I cry and cry and cry. Even while she is laying there dying she is taking care of me. If only I could learn to be that selfless. If only.

I really want to keep writing this out because its healing for me but right now I sitting here having a hard time seeing through my tears so I will have to write more later.

If you could keep my family in your prayers this week I would greatly appreciate it. I think we are all in for a rough one.

Alarm

So trying to be a good wife and let my dear husband sleep in I got up with Puppers this morning. Needless to say I was half awake and forgot the alarm easy access thing upstairs in our bedroom. Puppers gets fed and I curl up on the couch with a blanket and close my eyes. Moments later Puppers is barking at me and wants to go out to relieve himself. So I get up in my still half asleep stupor and pull back the blinds, unlock the door and as the door begins to slide open I am awoken by extremely loud beeping and screaming from the alarm. Needless to say I set the alarm off. Not the way I wanted to start my day. Oh well.

Image from http://www.protektalarm.com/en/

Big Steps on a long journey

So I finally made a big step in what will probably be a long journey. I have decided to have some genetic testing done to see if I have a gene mutation that can cause breast cancer. My Mom had the testing done after she had cancer but did not have the gene mutation. I don't know if knowing or not will make me feel better, but I know that it will give me a starting point on where I want to go from here and what I will want to do. I plan on eventually having an elective double mastectomy with reconstruction so that I can reduce my risk of even developing the disease. I know a lot of people, including some of my family members, think that my decision is rash. That if I just wait it out and am closely followed if I do develop cancer I can have it treated quickly. I would rather just reduce my risk all together because I know in my heart if I don't I will get cancer. I don't want to have to face that if I can help it.

I plan to document the process I go through during testing so that I can look back on it later.

Meal Planning

Monday- http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2010/09/my-favorite-meatloaf/ and mashed potatoes and green beans.
Tuesday- Swedish Meatballs, and green beans and bread
Wednesday- leftovers
Thursday- Sour Cream Noodle Bake
Friday- burgers, corn and beans
Saturday- Steak, corn on the cob, beans, and potato salad

Menu Planning

Trying to get back in the groove of planning our meals before hand.

Sunday: http://www.skinnytaste.com/2010/02/spinach-lasagna-rolls.html with salad and bread
Monday: Artichokes and pasta
Tuesday: http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/spicy-honey-brushed-chicken-thighs-10000001591042/ with roasted potatoes and salad.
Wednesday: Leftovers
Thursday: Tacos

Strength

I get told I'm so strong emotionally a lot. I don't know how true this actually is. I think a lot of times I portray a much tougher skin than what I actually have. I can thank my Momma for that, she taught me how to be strong but soft and squishy on the inside!

Sometimes I wish I could look in a mirror and see how other people see me, figuratively and literally . It would be interesting.


Image from apartmenttherapy.com

Happy

This picture makes me so happy. My parent's took me to Disneyland not too long after my little brother was born. We left brother with Grandma and I got to see Mickey and Mini with my Mom and Dad.


Also please note the awesomeness that is my number jammies they match the yellow in my Dad's shirt!
And I LOVE my Mom's stripe shirt!

Mother's Day is Next Sunday

And its killing me inside.

We are going to be home next weekend for a wedding shower and are planning on taking my Mother in Law, K to brunch on Sunday. I'm looking forward to being around my family and seeing my mother in law but I can already feel the stress moving through me but I'm trying really hard just to relax and enjoy life and remember that my Momma is all around me and we can feel her love around us.

I am going to buy an angel to put in our yard and put some of my Momma's ashes around it. I think I'm going to buy some pansies and johnny jump ups and plant them in her memory.

I miss her so much.

House

We closed on our house the day after my 24th birthday and spent our first night here that night on an air mattress in our bedroom. We had take out on a blanket in the floor of our living room and just spent the night enjoying the fact that we had become homeowners.

We moved a few things in that Sunday with the help of my Dad. These things included our couches, our new fridge, and our bed. It was good to have our things so soon to start making it feel like our home.

We have move most everything over now and have to be completely out of our apartment on Thursday. I'm freaking out that its not going to happen on time and that its not going to be clean enough for us to get our deposit back. I'm sure it will be but its just so stressful.

Our Mortgage company sold us before our first payment was even due so that was kind of funny. The joys of homeowner ship.

Okay more on this later :)

Life is a basket of lemons just waiting to be made into lemon-aide!

That's how I feel lately anyways. There have been a lot of amazing things happening in our lives lately but each amazing thing brings with it new stresses( or lemons as the case may be!) just waiting for us to deal with. I have a tendency to get overwhelmed by the lemons in life but my wonderful husband has a way of getting me to take a break, smell the roses that are delivered with the lemons and helps me make some sweet lemon-aide.



*photo from http://blogs.kqed.org/bayareabites/2009/03/05/meyer-lemon-ricotta-pancakes/

More Recipes

Broccoli Quiche

Chickpea and Spinach Pasta

Recipies I want to Try

Slow Cooker Chicken with Rosemary, Apples and Onions

Garlic-Lime Chicken with Olives

Healthified Cheesy Potato Chowder

Italian Bulgur Meatballs with Spaghetti SquashCreamy

Chicken and Rice

Healthified Beef and Noodle Layered Casserole

Pitty, Party of 1

Gosh it feels like everyone around me is pregnant. Its killing me. We have so many plans of being super finically stable and being in a house and my career path being settled before we even start. Its starting to drive me batty. I want a baby and I want one NOW!

However we are starting the process of looking for our first house! E and I are so excited. We are getting our paper work in order so that we can get per-qualified and start looking. If we have our way we will be putting in an offer on the first house we look at( we are in LOVE with it, we have see the outside and love the neighbor hood). That's a step in the right direction.

My Daddy

For a while I thought I was the glue, I thought I was the piece that kept the puzzle together even though it was missing a huge chunk of itself. And I was for a while while the other big piece fixed himself with tape and glue. He took over recently but let me keep helping to, and now it seems like our new normal has officially started.

My Daddy is one of the most amazing people I know, he's had to take on a lot since my Mom died. He has had to become my ear when I need to babble for a while on the phone, and he has had to learn to be like Mom was when it comes to dealing with M. I don't think I realized how much he had to learn on top of grieving, because for me they were done hand in hand. For him it was different. But he has been healing and learning and I think his strength through all of this has been
amazing.

Meal Planning

Okay I'm back on the meal planning wagon! I hate that we have been eating out more lately, so back to healthy at home meals, 2 weeks at a time.

Sunday- Quesadilla Casserole from McCormick Recipe Inspirations
Monday- Broccoli Cheese and Potato Soup
Tuesday- Breakfast for Dinner
Wednesday- Creamy One-Pot Pasta
Thursday- Leftovers
Friday- E fends for himself, A out with friends

Sunday- Corn and Bacon Chowder
Monday- Crock pot Lasagna
Tuesday- Breakfast for Dinner
Wednesday- Deer Steaks, bake potatoes, green beans
Thursday- Leftovers
Friday- Dad and Kids visit

Shopping

Its amazing what a good brow wax, shopping and lunch with your husband can do for your spirit. Its even better when said husband carries all of your shopping bags and goes into what ever store you want to go in without complaining and lets you spend your Christmas money plus some. The lady in Sephora told me she wanted to spend the rest of the day shopping with me instead of working because it looked like I was having so much fun!

I bought 2 new bras.
A new pair of jeans that E thinks make my butt look even better!
2 new sweaters, and a cardigan.
A cute pull over.
New pants for work.
An angel ornament for the tree for next year in Memory of my Momma!
Make up and hand lotion!

And my husband tagged along the whole time and didn't complain one bit! He got some new books as a thank you for putting up with me and my shopping prize!

Snow

Its snowing in our hometown today. My cousin E took this photo in her front yard. So pretty!