Almost a year later

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what transpired a year ago this week and the last several days as well. I've been in an interesting mood of sorts and emotionally though I think I'm fine I keep seeing things that remind me I am really not. Well at least not right now I'm not fine. I keep making silly mistakes and feel like everything I touch comes out wrong. I was talking to my Dad about this last night and he says not to worry that the same thing has been happening to him. Its just a build up of all this emotional energy that we don't know what to do with but we don't want to share it with the world.

So a year ago on June 23rd my sweet sweet Momma decided that she had had enough, that she had given her all and now it was God's turn to decide what needed to happen next. She wanted to go Home and she wanted to stop fighting. I was in my summer Anatomy class during this time and we had been given a break. During break I returned a phone call from my Dad and was told that she ask Dr. A if she was going to get better and when he looked at her bluntly and honestly and said "K, I really don't think so" she said okay well then I'm done. I can not blame her for making that decision that Friday afternoon, because as much as I love her with all my heart and as much as I would have loved to have her around for my children and for me and my brother and our Dad and the rest of those she loved so dearly I know with out a doubt that it would have been forcing her to suffer even more if any one of us had begged her to keep trying, to keep fighting.

I headed home after I got this news, E said to go up and he would come up as soon as he could. As I was driving and getting closer to the hospital I just sobbed, like little girl curled up in her momma's arms sobbing. I knew that it would really be best if I could try and pull it together before I got to the hospital. I called E and he tried to get me to stay calm, but all that did was make me want him here when he couldn't be and make me want my Momma to live even more. I get to the hospital and sit and do my homework by her bedside while she sleeps, we talk a little about silly things, well I talk she listens and then I sing her pieces of a song that has been keeping me together and keeping from feeling like I'm drowning in all that is happening around me. She rubs my back and tells me how much she loves me and E and my Dad and Brother. And I sit there in the chair next to her with my head on her bed while she rubs my back and I cry and cry and cry. Even while she is laying there dying she is taking care of me. If only I could learn to be that selfless. If only.

I really want to keep writing this out because its healing for me but right now I sitting here having a hard time seeing through my tears so I will have to write more later.

If you could keep my family in your prayers this week I would greatly appreciate it. I think we are all in for a rough one.