Answers and no Answers.

Well we went to the cancer center. We talked to the NP of genetics. We were told that since the BRAC1 and BRAC2 gene mutations are a dominantly inherited gene and that my since my Mom had the regular testing and the extended testing and was 100% negative and that since there is not a new test there is no reason to test me as I'll just be negative too. I understand that and I guess its helpful but I want more and at this point there is no more information, no concrete answers. At this point she suggested just being aware of what is going on with myself and closely followed by my doctors. This isn't what I was wanting to hear. It doesn't make me feel better. She did say that we will just watch and wait and keep our ears open and hopefully we will find a new test to do. Someone for people like me that definitely have a gene component but not the one we have tests for now. So really I left with E feeling like I had wasted her time.

Today is the day

I am getting ready as we speak to get in the car with E and drive to the Cancer Center for genetic testing. I woke up scared, and nervous and wanting to curl up with E and cry. I know that it shouldn't be this complicated, and I shouldn't be this scared but I truly am. E is trying his hardest to be understanding. and I am so grateful that he will be with me today. I can't imagine doing this alone.

Almost a year later

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what transpired a year ago this week and the last several days as well. I've been in an interesting mood of sorts and emotionally though I think I'm fine I keep seeing things that remind me I am really not. Well at least not right now I'm not fine. I keep making silly mistakes and feel like everything I touch comes out wrong. I was talking to my Dad about this last night and he says not to worry that the same thing has been happening to him. Its just a build up of all this emotional energy that we don't know what to do with but we don't want to share it with the world.

So a year ago on June 23rd my sweet sweet Momma decided that she had had enough, that she had given her all and now it was God's turn to decide what needed to happen next. She wanted to go Home and she wanted to stop fighting. I was in my summer Anatomy class during this time and we had been given a break. During break I returned a phone call from my Dad and was told that she ask Dr. A if she was going to get better and when he looked at her bluntly and honestly and said "K, I really don't think so" she said okay well then I'm done. I can not blame her for making that decision that Friday afternoon, because as much as I love her with all my heart and as much as I would have loved to have her around for my children and for me and my brother and our Dad and the rest of those she loved so dearly I know with out a doubt that it would have been forcing her to suffer even more if any one of us had begged her to keep trying, to keep fighting.

I headed home after I got this news, E said to go up and he would come up as soon as he could. As I was driving and getting closer to the hospital I just sobbed, like little girl curled up in her momma's arms sobbing. I knew that it would really be best if I could try and pull it together before I got to the hospital. I called E and he tried to get me to stay calm, but all that did was make me want him here when he couldn't be and make me want my Momma to live even more. I get to the hospital and sit and do my homework by her bedside while she sleeps, we talk a little about silly things, well I talk she listens and then I sing her pieces of a song that has been keeping me together and keeping from feeling like I'm drowning in all that is happening around me. She rubs my back and tells me how much she loves me and E and my Dad and Brother. And I sit there in the chair next to her with my head on her bed while she rubs my back and I cry and cry and cry. Even while she is laying there dying she is taking care of me. If only I could learn to be that selfless. If only.

I really want to keep writing this out because its healing for me but right now I sitting here having a hard time seeing through my tears so I will have to write more later.

If you could keep my family in your prayers this week I would greatly appreciate it. I think we are all in for a rough one.

Alarm

So trying to be a good wife and let my dear husband sleep in I got up with Puppers this morning. Needless to say I was half awake and forgot the alarm easy access thing upstairs in our bedroom. Puppers gets fed and I curl up on the couch with a blanket and close my eyes. Moments later Puppers is barking at me and wants to go out to relieve himself. So I get up in my still half asleep stupor and pull back the blinds, unlock the door and as the door begins to slide open I am awoken by extremely loud beeping and screaming from the alarm. Needless to say I set the alarm off. Not the way I wanted to start my day. Oh well.

Image from http://www.protektalarm.com/en/

Big Steps on a long journey

So I finally made a big step in what will probably be a long journey. I have decided to have some genetic testing done to see if I have a gene mutation that can cause breast cancer. My Mom had the testing done after she had cancer but did not have the gene mutation. I don't know if knowing or not will make me feel better, but I know that it will give me a starting point on where I want to go from here and what I will want to do. I plan on eventually having an elective double mastectomy with reconstruction so that I can reduce my risk of even developing the disease. I know a lot of people, including some of my family members, think that my decision is rash. That if I just wait it out and am closely followed if I do develop cancer I can have it treated quickly. I would rather just reduce my risk all together because I know in my heart if I don't I will get cancer. I don't want to have to face that if I can help it.

I plan to document the process I go through during testing so that I can look back on it later.