Motherless

That is my new label. I have yet to discover exactly what it means. " Motherless"- with out a mother. Well yes that would be me, I joined the "motherless" club 2 months ago today. But you know what, I'm not "motherless" I have had the great pleasure of being loved by one of the most caring, wonderful women in the world for just over 23 years. Yes, she is now gone so technically I am "Motherless" but I don't think of it that way. I have a mother, she is now just my angel, she is around me all the time, she sees everything and I can carry her in my heart.

Can we change the name of the "Motherless" Club to " Mother's with Wings" club? I will always have a mother, her dying does not take her away from me. She is still my Momma, she is just not with me physically anymore. I will always know I am loved by my Momma.

I was directed to read a book called "Motherless Daughters" by someone who had lost their Mother some time ago. I was told not to read it until I was ready. I thought I was, so when we were in Barnes and Nobel the other night I picked it up and read the first couple of pages. With everything surrounding my Mom's death, I have felt nothing but peace and comfort. With this book I did not, I felt like I was on pins and needles. I'm not ready for this book, so I put it away. And as I put the book back on the shelf I had this feeling like I was expecting the book to tell me how to deal with this, how to hurt a little less, how to not make my husband worry about me because of my breakdowns that can occur at the drop of anything. I learned in those few pages that I did read that no one can give me this advise but me, its something I am going to have to learn over time.

I have found in the last 2 months that I have spent a lot of time looking back on when I was nine and my Grandma died. Not because I am reliving that, but because I am looking back and remembering the grace and strength my Mom had during that time, and the last 14 years of living without her mother. I can only hope that I am dealing with this with as much strength and grace as my Mom did.

So Momma, your in my thoughts every minute of everyday. I miss you like you wouldn't know, but then I remember you would because you missed your Momma the exact same way. I'm taking it all a moment at a time. Love you Momma.