Since my Momma went to heaven. It still feels like a dream at times. I talk to her out loud all the time, in the house, in the car, when I am having moments where I don't know what to do. I have called her cell phone twice since the 1st just to hear her voice. Its weird though that since we always sounded a like that I already remember her voice without having to listen to it.
I miss her so much. I feel like she should be here and she's just not. My Dad worries me but I know this is just his way of dealing with things and that he will be okay in time. We all will be. But we all will have this empty feeling that I can't describe and nothing I can do will make it ever go away.
The night my Mom died I had asked my cousin C to take her jewelry off because I thought I couldn't do it. I walked back to the room after it happened and kissed her cheek and had to leave, it was just so much to take in. Then in the time while we were waiting for the Hospice nurse to arrive and the time we were waiting for the mortuary to come I went in and saw her several times. There were times I could have sworn she was breathing, even though she wasn't. Before the nurse came, I went back again and my Dad was still with her. We decided to take her jewelry off together. I held her hand and Daddy took off her wedding band. I took out her earrings and Daddy helped turn her head so I could do each side. It felt so wrong taking these things she loved so much from her. My Mom never went anywhere without her earrings. Even after she would come home from having surgeries, and being extremely tired she would insist that I put her earrings back in before she went to sleep. After I took them out I clutched them in my hand and walked down the hall into the kitchen. I asked my Aunt if she thought it was okay for me to put Mom's earrings in my ears right then. She said of course, that is what your Mom would want you to do. I took my front earrings out and in their place placed my Mom's diamond earrings that she wore for as long as I can remember. After I put them in I had the most incredible warm tingly feeling in my earlobes for about 20 minutes. I told my Aunt about this feeling and she said it was like my Momma was there with me, telling me it would be okay. Ever since I put the earrings in I will have moments where I am missing her and my ears will tingle and I know that she is with me.
I feel her all around me, in the wind, in the quiet moments that she and I both loved the best. Occasionally I will be walking around the house and smell her. Its the most wonderful smell. I started wearing on of the rings Daddy and I bought for her a few years ago on my right hand. When ever I look down at the ring I see her hands. She is with me everywhere. I was part of her so now that she is gone she is part of me.
I have shed some tears like now as I am writing this. Other moments include realizing that some day I will have to take her number out of my phone. Others occur when I am stressed over school and just fall apart missing her and her encouraging words. I needed to hear what she would have told me before a test last week so I called my Dad and told him to say this particular phrase she would always say to me before a test so that I would stop freaking out. He did okay, that was never his job so he is learning.
The Memorial Service is in just over a week, and I know at that point more tears will come. And more tears will follow as I start to go through her things.
There are times I wish there was a manual on how to deal with this, but there isn't. And that means I get to do this my way. Whatever way I see fit. I am doing the very best I can.
No comments:
Post a Comment